Hi Reader,

"A system in balance tries to stay in balance."

Early in my training, a professor shared this basic concept with us.

She had decades of working with families, couples, and individuals under her belt, and in each of those settings she saw the same pattern occur: when one person, or one part of us, tries to change how things are done, the system often responds in a way designed to keep things the way they've always been.

"The system" might be other family members. It might be a partner. It might be other parts within ourselves.

But because change is inherently destabilizing -- it threatens to shake things up, make them unpredictable -- when we're trying to shift something, there's usually a force that shows up to keep things the same. Those forces are trying to keep things in the balance that's developed over weeks, months, or years.

Let me be clear: this is not saying that the current balance feels good.

And it's definitely not saying the change will be bad.

What it acknowledges is that even when things NEED to change, even when we are being ASKED to change, there will often be both external and internal pushback against those very same changes happening.

That means:

• If you're trying to get more in touch with your real feelings, expect that parts of you are going to speak up that try to keep you in your old habits.
• If you're trying to communicate more openly, honestly and vulnerably, expect that there are people who are going to try engage the more reactive, defensive parts of you.
• If you've asked somebody else to do things differently, expect that YOU'RE likely going to act in ways that get THEM to respond as they have in past.

Which is all to say... If you're somebody who is trying to change the way you communicate or the way you show up in relationships, please know that you're in a marathon, not a sprint.

Things won't change immediately, and there will likely be pressure to go back to the old way of doing things.

Instead of seeing that as a failure, or that change is impossible, rest assured that is a common part of the change process.

Keep putting one effort in front of the other. Keep building those small wins.

Every single step gets you closer to where you want to go.

Keep up the courage. You've got this.

-Nick