Hi Reader,

"You can't just go out with your friends and not tell me."

Have you ever said something like this to your partner, or a family member, or a close friend? Maybe the specifics are different, but the phrasing is similar: "You have to...", or "You can't just...".

Or maybe the words are different, but the underlying sentiment is similar. What you're really communicating is something like "Relationships have rules and you have to follow them."

***

That way of talking isn't "wrong" or "bad." But when we talk this way with people, we're doing ourselves and our relationships a real disservice.

Because when we speak that way, we're not really talking about us. We're not being personal or open or honest about what's going on for us.

What that leads to is, instead of sharing the intimacy of an experience between us and somebody we care about, we're speaking about some idea of overarching rules. We're not talking about what's in our heart.

***

When I hear a patient frame things that way, I find it's helpful to first support them in getting to know themselves a little more. I might ask them:

• What feelings came up for you in the situation?
• If you notice anger or resentment, what happened first before those secondary reactions? Were you feeling hurt? Or scared? Or lonely? Or disappointed?
• What part of those feelings are about this specific experience, and what comes from your personal history? That history could be wounds from past relationships, or tender spots from family issues growing up, but what we're trying to understand is your past shapes how you experience this moment right here, right now?

The reason we do this work -- the reason we look behind our armor into what's happening to the person inside of it -- is that is helps us:

1. connect more to ourselves
2. free us from being forced by our past to see things one way
3. give us the chance to speak about what's really going on for us in a vulnerable, honest, and inward-focused way.

This kind of work transforms how we talk with the people we want to be close to.

Instead of saying something that's guarded and emotionally distant like, "You can't just go out with your friends and not tell me," we might be able to say something open and clear, like "I was really looking forward to seeing you last night, and I was really hurt and disappointed that we didn't hang out."

If you're wanting to have deeper, more connected relationships, then learning to translate "you have to" and "you can't" into something more personal and vulnerable is a powerful way to build those bonds.

Until next week,

-Nick