Hi Reader,

Becoming a therapist is a little like going through a crash-course in relationships.

I certainly had peers who were became psychologists so they could have the kind of detached expertise you might find in a surgeon, but that never felt right to me. At its core, therapy is about two people having an intimate conversation... and that's called a relationship.

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Because of that, it's always been important to me to keep an eye on how my own "stuff" shows up in the work. If I have assumptions, ideas, or desires that will get in the way of the treatment, I need to know about them so I can work on them myself.

Over the years, there have been a handful of lessons that I've had to learn as a therapist that are just as relevant to personal relationships as they are to the treatment relationship. Each of them was hard for me; not hard because they're complicated, but hard because I didn't want to have to learn them.

Here are some of those lessons:

• No amount of hard work on my part will result in the other person changing.
• We teach people how to treat us.
• Me being endlessly patient with somebody does not actually help them change.
• Not everybody is ready for vulnerability and intimacy.
• A desire to change does not actually mean a person will change.
• I need to let people be upset with me.

As you'd imagine, there's a lot of nuance in each of these. For example, yes, we teach people how to treat us, but that doesn't mean we're responsible for other people's behaviors. Instead, it means we're absolutely accountable for our own choices: how we use our voice, when we take action, what we tolerate, what we don't.

Each of these lessons were tough for me because it meant that I had to give something up. Maybe I had to give up a wish about the way the world works, or a sense of control, or a kind of hope that I held. There's often grief that goes along with these sorts of lessons.

But in each case, there's also been a new kind of freedom that I've found in each relationship lesson.

I'm not going to pretend that this is all something of the past. These are lessons I sometimes forget and then remind myself of. Or the old hopes and wishes crop up again, and I have to grieve them anew when I set them back down. But each time I go through it, it gets a little quicker and a little easier.

And what about you?

What are some relationship lessons you've learned that required you to let go of a wish, or hope, or dream? What's a lesson you're learning right now that you'd prefer not to learn?

If you're feeling courageous, click 'reply' and let me know.

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I do really want to say thank you to everybody on this email list. If I poke around this platform I can see how many people open these emails, and I'm flattered that so many of you take the time to read and respond to them. I don't take that for granted at all. I appreciate each of you.

-Nick